Wednesday, August 02, 2006

I'm Moving!

... to a new blog site...


dedicated to my China adventure!!!

check it out, i'll be posting there pretty much exclusively now...

somehow that seems really sad that i'm leaving this one behind...



oh well, such is life!

http://anamericaninchina.blogspot.com/

Tuesday, June 13, 2006

what, is it the 17th century?

i think i have a new favorite pastime: bartering...



one of the oldest, active art potteries in the United States, called 'VanBriggle,' is located here, right at the base of sky-scraping Pikes Peak in Colorado Springs, as well as about 5 minutes from my house...


and those at VanBriggle were nice enough to let me into the work area for a couple of hour so i could take some picture for my portfolio...

really, i just needed more photos of people and the arts, and i figured this would be a great way to kill to bird with one stone.





plus, i told them i was a senior photography major at a local college...




which is a lie...





but it worked to get me in none-the-less!




anywho, as a thank-you to some of the artisians that were nice enough to show me around, explain thier craft, and photograph them, i made some copies of pictures i took of them practicing thier art specifically, framed them, and dropped them off a couple weeks ago.


well, of the artists, Debbi, liked her photo so much (here is the photo)




that as a thank you for my thank you, she designed AND threw AND glaze mixed a mug specifically for me!



i mean, i probably could have bought a mug like this one for a couple of bucks anyway, but that isn't the point.


this whole transaction represents that my photography, my REAL passion, has some significance outside myself. it means that who i am, and what i trully love to do is of import, allbeit a small one, to the rest of the world.


this seemingly miniscule transaction gives context to who i am...



hmm...









and that makes me feel nice.

Friday, June 02, 2006

Wo Ai Ni...

well, sorry it has been so long since my last post...


i really have no excuse.





i'm just a bad person i guess.





let's see... what's new? um, this august i am going to start teaching ESL...













IN STICKIN' BEJING!!!

yeah. i'm going to China. for a year.


and man i am excited. in fact, chances are, most of you that read this are going to get a support letter and updates via snail mail anyway, so this might be redundant, but, what are ya gunna do?

i think the thing that excites me the most about this opportunity is that i feel like this is the springboard into the next 20, 30, or more years. for a lot of my friends lately, this same springboard has come in the form of marriage or grad school, or thier first big job and move, which is great! just not my thing. i mean, i can't get a woman to marry me for anything anyway...

oh yeah, p.s., one of my x's is getting married tomorrow; Joy.



wierd.



anywho, like i was saying before, i haven't been this excited about something a while, so... LET'S GET IT ON CHINA!

Friday, April 28, 2006

Drr...

i got all ready to write something and now i got nothin'. i spend the day in quiet contemplation, get all pensive and reflective, doing nothing less than deeply musing on the import and pith of life in all its subdued yet poignant subtleties, and this is what happens?



seriously, i thought i had like, some abysmally arcane yet momentously weighty introspection worthy of even the tallest towers of ivory learning...





but when i get down to it, i got nothin'.












not a damn thing.







i dragged my computer all the way to a coffe shop... i even ordered something... I HATE COFFEE!!!













i even had candles lit as a processed... CANDLES!


















damn it.

Wednesday, April 12, 2006

New Lighter!

check out my new lighter! i know i don't smoke, but you never know when one could come in handy...



i mean, lighters are like, totally McGuiver style. just 'cuz i don't have a use for it right NOW, doesn't mean i won't need it.



like, what if i need to burn my way out of a train car that has been sealed with me and some chick named Natasha in it who is a Russian computer programer because my arch nemesis locked us in and rigged it with explosives that are set to go off in 'six' minutes, which i know is really three minutes becasue previously i set a remote mine for what should have been six minutes but had to change to three minutes because i thought the Cossacks shot my co-agent double O six who now is my arch-enemy in the head but he really wasn't dead and then i had to shoot my way out...

ya know, what if that happens...





also, i didn't mention the coolest part...






IT'S FREAKIN' HUGE!



WHAT THE CRAP! LOOK AT THE SIZE OF THIS THING!



ITS CRAZY!

Tuesday, April 11, 2006

Hmmm...

should following God's Will scare the shit out of me?





?





'cuz it does... every frickin' time.

Monday, April 03, 2006

White Sands!

frickin white sands is awesome!




Thursday, March 30, 2006

I invented a drink!!!!

at least, i think i invented it...

i just wanna start by thanking my lovely friend and man-crush Ford for his modeling help...


so, it's called a '152.'


i know, the name is pretty boring, but whadda expect, i came up with this drink in a dream...


i woke up at 3 am a couple nights ago and for some reason had the entire recipe in my head... it was odd...


anywho, it's called a 152 becasue that is the shot amounts of the 3 ingredients to make the drink...


first, we start off with 1 shot of GOOD gin... notice the caps on the word GOOD? yeah, it's 'cuz i mean it...


not because i am a booze snob, but because crappy gin tastes like spit... plus pine...

anywho, one part gin...


















five parts lime-ade


















and two parts tonic water... with quinine...


















and voila! you have a 152... and a happy Jev, Ford and Cactus...



Wednesday, March 22, 2006

Death Machines Ride Again!!!

well ladies and gentlemen, it is official, 'Death Machines' has a new rider!!!!


i just finnished apllication process consiting, of course, of 3 tests:


1. killing 3+ hells angels with a heavy lead pipe or chain... in this case it was a combination of both.

2. lead a high mph (140+) police chase where more than 1/4 million of damages is accrued

and lastly

3. getting a tasteful tattoo from my neck down to my lower back of a naked woman riding a huge low-rider motorcycle with a sword fighting a giant purple dragon named BARTHOOZ, which, of course is our gang's mascot...






...





DEATH MACHINES FOR LIFE!!!!



oh yeah, and here's my bike...














it's a 1990 yamaha fzr-600.


6 speed 603 cc inline four,


top speed: 145


horse power: 92 @ 10,500 rpm


kelly blue book value: $2,750.00


price i bought it for including new air filter, oil filter, front wheel, crankcase gasket, taxes, plates, tags and 3 quarts of yamalube 10w40 oil...

$1,300.00


frick yeah!!!

Sunday, February 12, 2006

The Incline...

i did the incline yesterday for the first time...



its a one mile ascent of a small part of Pikes Peak which has railroad ties all the way up that act as stairs.



it has an average uphill grade of 41% and a 68% grade at it's steepest middle section...


















the doctor said i popped my fallopian tubes...

Sunday, February 05, 2006

Fire...

i dunno much, but i know this:


friends, bon-fires, and wine go together like Bono and starving Africans...





Extend-a-HOE...

i mean seriously...





how many times have you said to yourself,



"self, where the hell is that extend-a-hoe...? i feel like i never have one when i need one... this always happens. just when i need to use a hoe that extends, i don't have one! damn!



this sucks! where the hell did i leave it...?



seriously?"






just like that?






i know i have... daily...

Thursday, January 19, 2006

work...

i saw a back-hoe pick up the end of a semi truck and move it 10 feet today... if i had a uterus, it definitely would have jumped...




...







'cuz my ovaries were totally sore afterwards...

Sunday, January 15, 2006

...

i just took a huge chunk out of the back of my head as i was shaving it... it's still bleeding... a lot...






I'M BACK!!!!!

Saturday, October 29, 2005

dry...

every time i get trully thristy and reach for a drink, all i do is recoil at a mouth full of sand. i walk, work, sleep, play, run, and ride, but am i really living?

i walk, but don't move.

i run, but the scenery never changes.

i work, but i never finish.







i can feel the grit between my teeth...









i need some water.

Wednesday, October 19, 2005

sniffle sniffle

well, i cried for the first time in a about 2 years last night.


i felt the emo vibe coming on starting about a week ago like a pre-pubescent zit forming on the tip of my nose. and, much like the pimple, it came to a head last night.

working alone, one gets the opportunity to think a lot... a stinkin lot...

and all day, somehow, i managed to think about all the things in this world that i don't have. yeah, not super healthy, but it happened none the less.

i got home, fairly droopy and heftily depressed, locked myself in my room with a six-pack, my thoughts, and as much emo music as i could find, hoping to force and foster some sort of pimple popping conclusion or end to said depression.







turns out after beer #5 and and hour and a half, the only things i could think of were the things i DO have and the myriad of blessings God has showered on me that i don't deserve...

i definately ended the night crying, but not because i was depressed any more, but because i felt absurdly blessed.


then i went to sleep... naked...


it was fantastic.

Saturday, October 08, 2005

Holy Crap!!!!!

it turns out i'm not dead!!! i definately can understand how people might think i am though... mark calls me all the time, and i never call him back (i have excuses, but i still feel like a dick)... MARK I LOVE YOU! and nick doesn't call me, but i love him anyway... moon has left a message or two, but i suck at phone tag...

on the bright side, and like i said before, i'm not actually dead... and my job is cool. being my own boss is pretty sweet. i definately was supposed to work today, and i woke up at about 8 and said 'screw this,' to myself and went back to bed. so that's cool...

oh yeah, AND i sold one of my pictures the other day! i got two pieces into a show here in the springs, and i actually sold one! what was cool too is that it was the first piece sold in the whole show! i walked in opening night and the curator congratulated me for what i thought, at the time, was for getting a couple pieces in the show, so i kinda shrugged it off as nothing. then i walked upstairs to check out some of the other pieces and i saw a sold tag one of mine... then i soiled myself... it was great.

other than that, all i've been doing is working, sleeping, exercising, eating and... well more sleeping.

mark still tries to get me to move to minnesota daily... its great! i get home and i almost always have a message from the guy about all the hot girls and sweet job opportunities. although i don;t think i'm at the point where i want to be moving again anytime in the near, near future, it's still nice to know that people are thinking of me.

i also started re-reading 'the brothers karamazov,'... IN GERMAN! just kidding, in english, but still... it's real thick. but thus far has been a totally satisfying read.

i have also been spending much time on the hammock. i only finally put it outside about 3 weeks ago, but i have probably logged about 20 hours on the think since then... as moses' experience with the LORD tells us, God is most clearly known in the soft whispers of the wind... and there's no better place to feel, hear and smell the presence of God than on a hammock... and it's pretty awesome for naps too...

but like i said, it seems as though i'm just kinda livin' life at the moment. not in a stale, stagnent water sort of sence, but in a goin' with the flow of God's leading sort a way. and it's been nice. very........ agreeable.


and after becoming a acreditted and sold artist, a small business owner, and hammock nap taker, i have God to thank. really we have Him to thank for everything, whether good or bad, black, white, or gray, whether shitty or awesome, we still have the gift of life, the sun, shy and stars... and when i bitch and moan about stupid crap, i remember everything i do have... and i kick myself in the nuts... so to speak...

and speaking of sun and sky, it's about 65 and sunny here, and road's callin'.

keep it real my friends, and hopefully more to come soon!

Tuesday, August 30, 2005

WOW!

man, what a crazy couple of days! as you all know, i quit my job at the despot... i figured i could pull a peter gibbons... (f*ckin' a)...

yeah, pulling a peter gibbons doesn't work. i still, unfortunately, need a job, and pay rent, and insurance, and loans.


so, i decided i would start my own business! who wouldda thunk all it takes is a trip down to the DMV and eight bucks?!?!

it's called 'blank slate solutions' and my motto on the business cards is 'vision and ingenuity never draw a _____.' ha ha! i am so very punny!


anywho, i guess i would fall under property management and home repair/improvement...


it's pretty sweet, i never get two of the same jobs twice! like, today, i refurbished some railings on the back porches of a town home association... tomorrow, i'll be installing some 'dog stations' (basically doggie poo-motels) down in fountain.

the only scary thing is that i've had to buy a good bit of tools, materials, overhead cost, etc., and i have pretty much exhausted my bank accounts... i checked about 20 minutes ago, and i have $1.83 to my name.





weird...





i guess it's all or nothing this time! it'll be interesting to see whether or not i'll get enough work to stay afloat...







let's hope.







it is kinda cool though, to be in this financial situation, i mean... it's like a monetary baptism of sorts... i am washed anew, and get a second chance to be Jesus-responsible with my moolah... let's hope i can be.

Wednesday, August 24, 2005

Holy Crap!!!!

i was at Whole Foods today to pick up some lunch, and on the way in i saw a dollar bill on the ground.

i figured it was my lucky day... until i saw that it had a zero after the one!!!!!



frick yeah! ten bucks here i come!




i then took it up to the front counter just in case anyone had lost it (out of guilt more than selflessness, to be honest). the whole time prayin no one had lost any money and had come up looking for it.


the lady told me she hadn't heard anyone was and that i could keep it!




i decided it would splurge a little, so i got myself a tasty 'virgil's' cream soda to go with my spinach salad.



i strolled up to the counter to make my purchase and i whipped out my 10 and asked her if she could 'break it' just to be a big schmuck.

she replied 'sorry sir, i can't break a hundred,'


i gave her a short acknowledging laugh to let her know i appreciated the fact she was playing around with my little game, but she just kept staring at me all serious like...


confused, i looked down and saw my Hamilton somehow squared itself into a Franklin without my knowledge...




needless to say, i first though about saving it... ya know, because i'm jobless and whatnot.


but i figure, eh, being a stingy bastard ain't fun for no one!



one thing i have learned about money in the past couple of years is this: it's not mine anyway; it's God's. so why keep it to yourself when instead you can bring smiles to the faces of those who mean to you the most.




so, me and my roomies are hitting Old Chicago tonight for pizza and beer... all on Franklin's tab!

Tuesday, August 23, 2005

Unemployment is awesome!

well, i quit my job last tuesday...







i've had enough of working for the man. i tried working from the inside for change, but ya know what? it doesn't work with a management and corporate team that doesn't give two shits whether or not thier own employees can make rent off thier token wage.


i hope you wise up home despot, for your sake and your worker's.











p.s. home depot, kiss my ass.

Wednesday, August 17, 2005

Time Warp...

so, we cleaned the fridge out the other day. we finally decided that we were going to get rid of the stuff that another guy left in there from a couple weeks ago when he moved out...







we found this...







i'm not really a 'lite' type of eater... 'cuz of work and biking i probably burn 3000+ calories a day, so i don't really feel bad about eating 'heavy' foods.

needless to say, i wasn't super concerned with saving it...




BUT!

it smelled okay still, and heck, i'm a huge fan of salad... so i figured 'eh, what the hell?' and tossed some on a spinach salad.






mmmm, i smothered the rest of that crap all over my greens like it was going out of style.





...





about half way through the first bite, i shot a quick glance at the top of the bottle and saw the dressing was already expired.



'CRAP!' i thought, 'o man, here comes food poisoning for sure!'






'january,' it said.







...









STINKIN' JANUARY!




'o balls, i'm really screwed! that's like... 7 months!' i thought.










and then i caught the year...








vomiting insued.

Thursday, August 11, 2005

Me gusta la hooka...

there's nothing like ending a day of ultimate, brew, climbing, old friends and super-sweet fun with a puff puff from the hooka!



we can thank my roomie cactus for providing this one for us. in his comprehensive global travelling and exhaustive wisdom, cactus led us to the smooth taste and conversation priming power of the hooka... thanks cactoooos!

Sunday, July 31, 2005

Finally...

i'm finally done with the photo project i have been working on for about 3 months... a friend of mine bootlegged a copy of photoshop for me so i could finish it (thanks quinn!).


i don't really know what to say about it...






i guess i like circles...


Sunday, July 17, 2005

...

sometimes there are days where i can't help but weep because of what i see and feel on account of the I AM.







then again, on the flip side, there are also days i can't help but weep because of what i see and feel on account of the I AM.

Monday, June 20, 2005

Ouch...

oops, i seemed to have fallen off my bike.








notice the copious amount of gravel and dirt in the wound... you should have seen the shower floor after i took a scrub-brush to it...





i need to watch where i'm going.

Thursday, June 09, 2005

!?!?!?!?!

so, i recieved this "fortune" after a tasty meal at Pei Wei, an asian diner just a short jaunt from the Depot. at first, i simply grazed over the message. my reading of it was almost token... ya know, somthing you do as a polite gesture, kinda like saying "'scuse me" when you walk past someone hogging the whole isle. you don't really mean, it but you say it anyway.



then, after a few seconds of thought, i piked up the small piece of paper again and read it, this time fully and wholeheartedly. 'holy crap!' i thought. this is a bit deep for a fortune cookie isn't it? shouldn't you be teaching me how to say spoon in Mandarin or telling me that my gifts will help me prosper one day?



...



'if we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness. - 1Jn1:9




hmm...




man, those random Chinese fellas sitting around a 20 year old Chinese-English dictionary poorly translating old Chinese proverbs from Mandrin to English have it more together than i once assumed...







kudos dudes...





thoughts?

Wednesday, June 01, 2005

Strep Bed...

this is what i wake up to every morning...




notice the whole used roll of toilet paper due to the faucet my nose becomes when i lay down, the ibuprofen (1g i.e. 5 200mg tabs) i take every couple of hours because of the immaculate pain my throat is in, and the burt's beezwax chapstik because i blew my nostrils raw and bloody days ago. oh yeah, and don't forget the myriad of sweat caked to the sheets because of night fevers.


awesome.


everyday i wake up and expect to feel even a small amount better... this, unfortunately has proven to not only be a fallacy but also a seeming impossibility. i actually thought about what it would be like to live with this for the rest of my life this morning... between the violent coughing and thundering nose blowings... no thanks.

Monday, May 30, 2005

Group A Streptococci...

has anyone outr there ever seen strep? it's really pretty gross...



notice the white, mucusie pustules all over the place!!! yeesh. real disgusting...


and you should see the book i got this out of... it's my EMT book and there is tons of gross stuff in it...






wait...





hold on a sec...





EMT book...







oh yeah, that's right, i didn't get this particular one out of EMT Basic... nope...












i got it out of my own damn throat!

my mucus-filled, pustule-ridden, phlegm-dripping, pain-swollen, draft-dodging hippy-ass thoat!



and geez, the pain! gosh, i've never felt anything like this before! i can't even swallow! and when i do, you can tell, 'cuz i have to sit down first for fear of passing out due to the severe body pain surges it produces.

and here's the best part...

i called in sick from work yesterday at about 5 am (i couldn't sleep a wink because of the shear torment) and i got 'docked' 5 points! for those of you who are not familiar with the Home Despot point system, you get 10 points a year to 'burn,' and as soon as all ten are burned, you get canned.

since it wasn't 24 hours a head of time that i called in (think about that for a second... 24 hours? sorry i'm not a clairvoyant) and because it was a holiday weekend (Memorial Day) half of those points just flew out the window.

suffice it to say, for fear of the aforementioned canning, i went to work today, and worked the crappiest shift ever invented: 11-8. just an early enough start to not be able to do anything in the morning, and just a late enough end to do the same on the other side. yeah! thanks Home Despot! you are soooo understanding!














jackass.

Thursday, May 12, 2005

Ahh...

i just got back from a backpacking trip down to mount harvard in the collegiate peaks area...





besides having a fantastic time eating spam, granola, and ramen, all this trip did was confirm my belief that humanity was not intended to sit in a cubicle, spend 2 hours in traffic daily, consume without ceilings, pay to exercise, wear exorbitantly expensive non-functional clothing, live in cookie-cutter houses, and worst and saddest of all...




look forward to the nepenthe of sleep more than the enjoyment of the awake life.








hey popular culture, guess what? - fuck you... and your little dog Toto too.

Friday, May 06, 2005

Yeah...

everybody but me love Raymond...


i don't even like him.





and if you see him, you can tell him i said so.

Thursday, April 28, 2005

HEADS UP!!!!











...








uh, just a heads up... this is me watching 'house of flying daggers.'



the really sad part is that i wasn't tired at all that night.

Monday, April 04, 2005

Things Too Wonderful For Words Vol. 1

while in the shower, the water temperature that exists just between 'too hot' and 'just right.' that fraction of a degree in which for a fraction of a second you'd swear, if you didn't know any better, that the water broke from blistering to chilled.





split second flush numbness.








me gusta.

Tuesday, March 29, 2005

Bald!

i woke up this morning and realized that my scalp hasn't seen the sun in a while...





so i bic-ed it.




mmmmm... smooooth.

Sunday, March 27, 2005

God Provides Dos...

earlier this week, i was genuinely worried whether i was going to both be able to pay rent and eat. then, a couple days ago i went into my room after work and discovered a whole foods gift certificate with simply


'to: jev;


from: $75;


happy easter' on it.



it didn't say who it was from, so i can't thank them directly...






so instead, i thank God for them.





i can both eat and pay rent now.










whoever you are, the blessing you provided me is beyond my thanks in words... and i wish you could see the joyous twinkling of my computer screen in the tear that fell onto my mouse-trackpad as i wrote this.

Sunday, March 20, 2005

God Provides...

so, as some of you know, i just began a job with home depot, peddling rakes and grass seed. only, i have been scheduled for my first day of work on the 30th of this month... which also happens to correspond with the day i run out of money (my plan was to be working for the fire service by now, so i didn't bother saving any money past now, ya know, as a 'just-in-case' fund.)

needless to say, at current rate of consumption, i will officially be penniless the same day i begin work...



sketchy.



and one thing i don't have is money to burn... and that's what was so cool about this evening at church.



just before the service ended, the ushers started sending around the offering baskets. i took out my spidey wallet, opened the crackly velcro fastener, and found a receipt from chipotle and a twenty dollar bill... my last twenty dollar bill. and, as seemingly fortunate as it is (or rather unfortunate, it seems), i can always hear when God tells me something, and in this case, i could distinctly hear Him telling me to chuck the twenty bucks into the offering.

usually, i am ashamed to say, i would outrightly deny His call, and keep the money to pay for food, but tonight, His droning call finally got to me.

as i readied the twenty for deposit, i remember saying something to the effect of 'God, this is my last twenty, and, i was totally planning on eating this week... so if you could bless me with a away to get a couple bucks, that'd be awesome... thanks God.'

then, oddly enough, when it was time for the plate to come to our row, for one reason or another, we got completely skipped... our row got totally passed by!

i looked back down at the twenty in my hand and smiled...




'here's twenty bucks jev.'
just like that! presto! twenty bucks just appeared in my hand!



thanks God.




what's funny is that now instead of looking at the money like it was mine to start with, i look at it as God's to start with.


i came and left with the same twenty, only somehow during the process, i gave 20 bucks and gained 20 bucks.

Sunday, March 13, 2005

...

actually, the more i think about it, the more i realize it was MY nose, not God's, i wanted to punch the whole time... i think i was originally so mad at God because i thought he 'wronged' me... now i realize the fact of the matter is that instead of me being wronged, it was me being wrong...






i need to tell God that i take back those things i said to him a couple days ago...






it's a good thing God's got a lot of grace... otherwise he would'a kicked my ass long ago.

Wednesday, March 09, 2005

!

sometimes i wanna punch God in the nose. like tonight. i don't wanna talk about it. i just wanna be pissed for a while. but holy crap, i swear... somtimes... i just... it's tough to type with clenched fists, so i'm gonna stop writing...






and punch a wall.

Tuesday, March 08, 2005

Yeah!

you are looking at the newest member of the home and garden department at home depot on woodmen and academy in colorado springs! you know who to call if you need a plant! i only hope that i can affect a positive change in this 'man' as a new employee. i will try to get you frequent updates on if and wether HD is any more responsible than it's wal-competitor.





i think i will start by coming into work with a garbage bag diaper, as tim suggested... that'll really stick it to the man!

Friday, March 04, 2005

Stick it to the man!

i was sprawl-mart today to pic up a few items: tuna (albacore, of course), salsa (black bean and corn), t-shirts (fruit of the loom only), and bullets (9mm luger)... ya know, the regular. as i was walking outside back to my car with my just purchased bountiful booty of eating, wearing, and shooting goodness, i saw two just post-pubescent teens filling the back of thier chevy nova with bags of firewood, ice cream, and 3.2 beer.

i gave 'em the obligatory polite head nod and walked off without much of thought.

not thirty seconds later i heard one of them yell at the top of his voice, 'wal-mart is a conspiracy!' as he threw a defiant fist into the air.

i think what he was getting at was that he thought wal-mart was an evil corporation focused on sticking it to the little guy, only, he did say 'conspiracy,' so for all i know he actually did mean that sam walton was anti-christ or that he was an alien or something, i don't know, i'm not him... my assumption is that he doesn't really know what conspiracy means, but whatever.

the point however, is that at first i thought to myself 'arg, what a bunch of attention seeking, skater-posers looking to get a laugh or at least a look from a passer by... weak.'

but then, as i saw them drive the entire length of the front walk of wal-mark while laying on the horn, flicking off the store and cussing, i began thinking that at least they were man enough to not only admit that wal-mart had 'em by the balls, but it pissed 'em off, and they don't care who knows...





it was then that i realized that wal-mart had me by the balls too, but i'm so anesthetized and dazed by thier dirt-cheap prices that i don't even think about it, let alone do something about it...




so, with that said, i'm going to stop shopping at wal-mart for the next month and see how it goes...





who's with me?

Tuesday, March 01, 2005

Dear Lovelies...

to all my wonderful internet-nerd buddies: MY STUPID INTERNET IS BROKEN AND SEEMS TO BE UNFIXABLE! CURSES UPON THIS PLANET FOR NOT HAVING WORLD WIDE WIFI INTERNET! which, coincidentally, is what i am on right now at a friend's house. i do apologize to all those out there who actually do read my blog, i'm sorry i have been missing out on filling you all in on all the exciting things happening right now, like my face puffing up to sloth-like (ya know, the crazy looking guy from the goonies... 'hey you guuuys!'... you know what i'm saying) proportions because of an severe allergic reaction to the hair bleach i used a couple days ago and cycling madness and the crazy texan tourist!

anyway, i don't have time to relate all this crazyness at this time, but i promise it will be as soon as possible!

i love you all! and i hope to see you online soon!






p.s. moon, my password is 'mancrushonbradpitt'

Tuesday, February 15, 2005

Top 5...

so, i went to a collective soul concert last night with a buddy of mine, and it was awesome! i got rocked. not simply because i thoroughly enjoy collective soul and they were playing at top-drawer, but because of a slew of other experiences one can only encounter in a concert atmosphere... so without further adieu, the top 5 shout-outs of valentine's day '05!



5. thank you to the roadies who set up, i could feel the bass not only in my feet and chest, but also in my brain (like when you put your head aginst the car window on the highway)... it felt nice.




4. thank you to mullet-wearing-rocker in front of me who every 3 minutes ran his thick, tattooed sausage fingers through his sweat glistening, greasy mullet (witch is a sight in itself) only to then flick the remaining cigarette purfused sweat into my open mouth as i was talking to my buddy jeremy... gagging ensued.




3. thank you to 40-year-old-asian-lady who kept screaming high pitched sexual propositions to band members right into my ears while simultaneously groping my ass and holding on to my arm... i lost your number, email me, and we'll talk.




2. thank you to drunken-bald-guy and fat-wife for unknowingly spilling the last of thier backwash-filled beers on my shirt while plowing their way to the front row to get a good spot to hold up thier now empty beer bottles and lighters and scream 'f%ck yeah! you rock! play free bird!'




1. thanks to jeremy hands and the severn's for the rockin' company and to low millions and collective soul for the rock! and thanks to valentine's day for not completely blowing like it has every other year for everyone who is single!





hope v-day was rockin' for all of you at the top of my list in blog-land and beyond!

Saturday, February 12, 2005

Zingers...

so, i have been being rather nice to my body as of late; no sugars, no fatty carbs, no nitrates, no phosphates, lots of exercise, fresh fruit and vegies, etc... you get the idea. and i figure, once in a while, after living so fastidious, you just gotta do something to your body just to remind it who's in control. ya know, nothing overboard... maybe a double quarter pounder, a couple grilled stuffed burritos, a few pints of the fattiest ben and jerry's you can find, ya know, something on that order.


today i felt like my poison of choice would be 'zingers,' which are, quite possibly, the perfect food.


they have the nuclear resistance of twinkies, the fat content of della reese and enough sugar to rot the tusks off a bull elephant. in short, they're basically twinkies dusted to the eyeballs, and they're real good.


i was at sprawl-mart (thanks lil) purchasing more razor blades (venus3's, they shave better than the mach3's, lucky girls) as well as a luffa (i'm not ashamed) and i must have sensed that zingers were near... you can always tell they're not far when your molars go instinctually numb.


turns out, after searching for about 20 minutes, sprawl-mart doesn't actually carry zingers. of course, they do carry nascar hats with the number 21 on them, $8.88 fake wedding rings and the second season of 'northern exposure,' (which i would love to own) but nope! sorry! no stinkin' zingers.


i guess i'm just gonna have to piss my body off another way... or just keep eating well... but where's the fun in that?



if any of you have any awesome ideas (tacos filled with marshmallow goop, brocoli with cheese (sans the brocoli and add butter, bacon, and fries, ya know, whatever)) please let me know, i'm always in the market for ways to get my bowels to hate me!

Thursday, February 10, 2005

Myself...

a good friend of mine asked me today why i haven't blogged much as of late. my response was that i feel as though i haven't seen, experienced, or done much worth blogging about...



that, however, is a huge cop-out.



blogging isn't about being interesting, or clever, or astute, or sounding intellegent, or deep; it's about being yourself.
and sometimes, yourself is very boring.



so to those wonderful and marvelous few who actually read my ordinary and humble blog, i apologize. because while i have been biding my time for something uncannily unusual to report or something philosophically arcane to intellectualize, i have been missing out on the opportunity to share myself with you all. and because of that, i miss out.

so, in the future, even though it might not be the most interesting news, i'll try to keep up; because it's not about what one says that is important, instead, it is those that listen, and that manner in which they do it that holds the greatest import...



so here's how i'll start this turn of this new leaf... i had dinner with a friend tonight, he vented about his relationship status with his girl, God, the future, and life... and i just listened... and it was wonderful.













and he paid 'cuz i forgot my wallet... and that was wonderful too.

Thursday, February 03, 2005

Dream...

i dreamt i married the woman of my dreams last night (no pun intended). i don't remember what she looked like, but she was soft as down and was perfumed with cherry blossoms and morning dew.





i guess that narrows it down a bit.

Wednesday, February 02, 2005

state of the union...

what lives of inconsequence we lead. sometimes i wish i could kill the Myself and care for Another other than Me. it is unfortunate that it is so fiercely against my own nature to do so. we occlude oursleves in our own prisons of selfishness. we seek comfort and relaxation in the company of a glass and plastic box. we work to get the paycheck, to pay the bills, to lease the new car, to get to work, to get the paycheck. we move through life enjoying our bmw's and macintoshes and tivo's and leather couches while our brethren and sistren starve to death on the streets not simply from lack of bread, but lack of Daily Bread.


it is a pitiable day when one feels convinced that to be charitable, loving, peaceful, forgiving, kind and self-sacrificial: the things that we hold to be fully


humane.


is, in fact, to be completely


inhuman.








(more positive posts are coming, i swear! i have just been a bit discouraged and unimpressed with humanity as of late) ;-)

Thursday, January 27, 2005

Rust...

"the mass of men lead lives of quiet desperation." - Thoreau


can you feel it?
can you feel yourself withering slothfully?

tiring of time?

life is crawling away from you like a salted slug.
soon only a slippery shadow of it's existence will remain,
and that too will soon dry and dust.

awaiting the next so the present will be forgotten.
skipping and hopping from one to the other, seeking the after and dwelling on the before so the now can be ignored.

daily losing grains of who you are and what you are and who you are supposed to be to the dull reflection of a dirtied hourglass, now used only as a bookend.

the chains that occlude your heart stretch, but not break.
push, pull, breathe.


taste the air, see the wind, feel the woods, touch the earth, hear the flame.




fuel it.





dare to.





see to it.





be that.













all because your flesh rusts faster than iron.

Tuesday, January 25, 2005

Rage...

“Umm, I’ll have a number four with Dr. Pepper, and a number ten with Pepsi… and an extra seven layer burrito,” he half-yelled into the rusty receiver. A garbled price, almost inaudible, rumbled from the dwarf square poised outside his window. “Thanks,” he barked into the sickly looking speaker. “Plea__ p_ll up to _he _ext __ndow,” squawked back the irritated box. They both loved Taco Bell. Most of his girl friends couldn’t even stand hearing the name, but she swore by the place. Bean burritos were her favorite. She always argued that they were by far the best item on the menu, “the only thing that could make these better would be some guacamole,” she said with a smile and a look that always made him grin and shake his head in disbelief and, of course, disagreement. “No way, bean burritos suck. Seven layer burritos are they way to go.” “Why do you always have to argue with me?” she questioned. “Hey, I’m just saying,” he replied. She once told him she hated when they argued because she always felt like she lost. But he knew she adored it, and so did he.

He loved making her laugh. He simply loved seeing her smile. And it wasn’t a regular smile either. It wasn’t the typical smile that a stranger would give you in passing while walking down the street. Her smile said something genuine. When she giggled, the light blue in her eyes seemed to turn to a deep cobalt shade, and she had a way of tilting her head a bit so her hair would glide and sweep over the far side of her soft face. His favorite was when the small cup-like dimple and delicate biting of her rosy lower lip made him forget what he was going to say next. He was great at making her laugh too, not because he was especially funny, but because it really didn’t take much. He always used to tell her that if he even looked at her crooked she would laugh hysterically. “Hey,” she would respond, jovially pointing a finger at him and pretending to be upset, “I’m not that bad.” Her scolding of him lasted only a few seconds before she buried her head in her lap and laughed uncontrollably.

Tonight was his night off and he thought it would be nice to pick up a late dinner for them both. “Its been too long,” he though to himself, “its been more than a week.” It had really only been two days. “I miss her,” he thought, “there’s nothing like debating the superiority of the seven layer burrito over a mere bean burrito.” Meal in hand, he walked up to her door only to discover that it was already open. “That’s odd,” he thought. He put down his cache when he saw small slivers of brown colored wood randomly scattered below the handle of the door. “What the hell…?” he said as he knelt down to examine the lock. It was split and crooked, it looked as though it was kicked in. Suddenly, as if an answer to his question, he heard a muffled “glump” come from inside the house. Every muscle in his body tensed. His breath ceased and his face at once flushed and burned. Hands tightened around the door, pupils dilated, eyes widened and focused on nowhere in particular as he strained his ears in the hope of catching another sound. But nothing came.

Breath once more lurched audibly into his lungs when he stood. He sensed his heart echoing beats through his chest when he entered the front hallway. Nothing could be made out; every light was off. As if blind he fingered the walls for the light switch he never needed to find before. Slowly, chairs, couches, paintings and tables began to dissolve into sight. “Melissa?” he blindly called. He heard her answer in nothing but wet sobs. He hardly got another step before he recognized a dim shadow of two figures, almost melded together, displayed on the far wall opposite her open door. Some sort of wing rose from the side of the dual shadow, then swiftly and forcefully came down hard upon the bottom lump of the form with a dull thud. “Melissa!” Blue jeans and a black sweatshirt with “FLORIDA” printed on the front in big bold neon green and orange letters rushed out of her door. The intruder’s white sneakers squeaked across the tile floor as he shot a quick glance back at Jacob, threw open the door and stumbled outside.

Jacob ran to her door, not knowing, or maybe not wanting to think about what to expect. There she sat, curled up on the couch, crying and ravished. Pictures were broken, tables were overturned, there was obviously a struggle. Her yellow teddy bear pajamas were torn around the thigh and waist. The left sleeve of her white sweatshirt lay tattered and severed beneath her. And her chest was framed by a large cleave split by angry and desperate hands. Fearful tears moistened her eyes, and her once peach-like cheeks were now battered and purpled as old wine. The blood that trickled from her right eye down her stained cheek pooled in her dimple as she sobbed, and the hair that usually flowed without care over her soft face was plastered to her forehead in a sweaty mess. Only a slit of blue could be seen through swelling of her eyes, and her delicate hands shook violently as she gasped for breath. She looked up at him through baggy eyes, and as if she knew what he was going to do uttered something too faint to hear. He stood there in horrible disbelief, still wondering if this had really happened. He then cut her off mid sentence and said peacefully, “please don’t be angry at me.” Then he knelt down, wiped away wilted hair from her damp brow and gently kissed her. Rage filled him like he had never experienced before.
Walking toward the door, his teeth squeaked as he ground them together, his clenched fists were numb and his forearms burned. He couldn’t feel his heart anymore, and he didn’t even know if he was breathing. He looked strait ahead and no where else. As he then threw open the door a thud and sharp pain struck the back of his head. The attacker was waiting outside, and apparently ready with brick in hand. Gravel peeled and ribboned layers of flesh from his face and palms. The powerful blow made certain to replace sound with high-pitched ringing and sight with spotted black. All he could taste was blood and jagged gravel, or maybe tooth, he didn’t know, or care. A rib or two broke as he was kicked in the side by the attacker. He then looked up and saw, through his splotchy vision, the man running and periodically glancing back, watchful of pursuit. He dragged himself off the rough ground and began to chase after the attacker with fierce speed. Within a few dozen paces he was on the man’s heels. He tore down the attacker, rolled him onto his back, and without a thought began to strike him in the face. He didn’t even bother to look at the man. His ears kept ringing, and since his hands were still numb, the blows couldn’t be heard or felt, only echoed reverb through the shoulders and back. Like a drum, he bludgeoned the attacker’s head evenly and vigorously, two punches evenly splitting each breath in half, almost as if he was timing it. He didn’t once look down, but always forward. Skull soon became like a wet towel, and anything solid became tender, slippery and pulpy. Eyes still facing forward, he rose to his feet and began walking back toward the house. His fists began to burn. He looked downward to see hands and wrists covered with a deep red and arms splattered with pieces of gray. His ears still rang. He could feel a snapping resonance in his upper arm as he stretched out his broken fingers into a form not altogether correct.

Half dazed he then slowly made his way through the front door and into her room. Her walls looked abnormally bright, and the Christmas lights that usually blinked erratically were off and torn down. And there she sat, crossleg like a child, no longer crying outrightly, but still wincing from time to time. With bloody and crooked hands, he gently picked up a white teddy bear out of a rocking chair that nestled itself next to her bed and took a seat. He looked at her like a confused child would his mother while a hot liquid dripped from his face and fingers onto the pale white carpet, seeping into its pores. And there they sat, for what felt like hours, blank faces, not crying, not talking, not thinking, not even breathing.


Friday, January 21, 2005

No way!

okay, so my ceaseless favor and boundless affection will go to the person who can tell me what is in this sock... i'll even give you a hint: it's neither a toaster, nor prince albert in a can... i found it while sifting through old climbing gear for usable webbing and carabiners, and i haven't seen it, or what is inside it, in more than 4 years...



Thursday, January 20, 2005

Not too surprising...

so, for those of you who know me, you know that i love my xbox like a fat kid loves cake... only moreso. some of the best memories of highschool and college were times the fellas and i would sit around and play video games late into the night and early morning.

i don't know if there is something inate about the sharing of the video game experience, especially with close friends that is the appealing part, or if blowing the crap out of a buddy to show him who's boss is what floats my boat... all i know is that whatever it is, my xbox and i have a special relationship that can only be characterized as 'intimate.'


c'mon fella's, you know what i'm talking about.


my xbox has been in storage for about the past year or so. i was in minneapolis last year envolved with a ministry called youthworks, and i had plenty to do without its magic pull, and then this past 6 or 7 months i have been in school getting my EMT/Fifefighter 1/HazMat Ops certs, and i vowed that i would lay xbox dorment for diligent academic reasons, not to be played until all of my credits and testings were over... which they just became.

now the only problem was that i hadn't a television to allocate xbox's powers toward...



very disappointing.



then BOOM! out of nowhere joey, a friend of mine, offered me his old tv 'cuz he and his wife just bought a new one.

fantastic!!!

so two nights ago i went to his place to pic it up. it is fairly old, and definately doesn't have a place to plug xbox into (no a/v plug in's), but it does have a coverter box that hooked up via coax and all i needed was a cable.

i decided that i would make a late-night trip to wal-mart (i usually try to bilk wal-mart every chance i get, but in this case it was 1 in the morning and it was the only thing open, and i was desperate... i had been without my box for more than a year).

i planned on clearing all of the magazines and other random stiff off my coffee table to make room for the tv. i didn't really have a place for all the crap on the table other than the table itself, but i thought a cluttered room would be well worth the time my old friend and i would spend together.

i got the tv out of the car and brought it upstairs. a roommate flicked on the upstairs light for me and asked if i needed any help. i declined, the tv wasn't that heavy, it was more precarious than anything.

about 5 feet from my room and the salvation of my 'playing reflexes,' i turned, tv in hand, to ask my roommate whether or not he had a coax cable i could borrow (to avoid the wal-mart run), and as the word 'coax' left my lips, the side piece of the tv i was gripping onto broke off, and it, coupled with the tv, fell to the floor with a resounding thud and crack.

i stared at the floor in disbelief for a minute or so... just long enough for all of my hopes to be crushed in the same way the bulb at the back of the tv screen was.

'what happens if we plug it in? it still might work...' said my roommate, as pieces of glass and plastic glimmered oll over the carpet.

'uh, i dunno dude.' i responed. 'i don't think that's a very good idea.'

i then went downstairs for a grabage bag and vacuum cleaner...




i was able to clean up the glass and other surrounding pieces of metal and wiring...




yet i am still unable to clean up the broken pieces of my heart...





i'm sorry xbox... i guess it's still not your time... i love you.

Monday, January 17, 2005

Bike hard...

i love riding in the mornings... it tends to be a bit cold, but there's nothing like beating the crap out of yourself before you even get in the shower. only, this morning i noticed something about the way i ride: i seem to bike as if there is always one more lap left. even if i happen to be on actuall last lap, i still ride as if i am conserving energy for more.

i mean yeah, i'm tired when i get home, but it still seems as if i am not giving my all at any part of the ride.




i pace myself for a finish line i'll never reach...




when i did finally get home this morning from my journey, i began to think about how fast i am biking race of life. am i living everyday like it's my last? am i pacing myself for a finish line that will never come? am i holding back because i think i might need energy for the many mile sojourn home?



'like a thief in the night,' is the way Jesus describes his return. besides the religious, theological, philosophical and spiritual implications, i think it also skillfully describes the way life in the mundane functions: the unforeseen is always a possibilty if not an inevitability.










you never know what's going to happen, so don't ride like you do.

Friday, January 14, 2005

Photoblog!!!

i just started a photoblog at http://eveofbeauty.blogspot.com/, there's not much on it yet, but i hope to get some time to post a good deal on it... enjoy!

Thursday, January 13, 2005

Not in my hands...

well, i just finished all of my written and oral exams today for the fire service... and let's put it this way, if they offer me a job, it's deffinately not because of the way i interviewed or tested...



because i bombed.




on the bright side, it is no longer in my feeble hands. God has taken over any form or direction this could take... and if it does turn out that i do get offered a position, well... it's only because he blew the sails, because i managed to take the wind out of mine pretty quickly.








t-minus one week before i get an answer...


Monday, January 10, 2005

The greatest command...

i was thinking of Matthew 22 this morning, especially verse 39 in which Jesus states the second of the great commandments: that we should love our neighbor as ourselves. generally whenever i meditate on this verse i always come to the same conclusion: we as humans are commanded to LOVE our neighbors, not like, not be congenial to, not be dismissive of, but LOVE our neighbors and put thier needs above our own...

i think there is nothing wrong with that interpretation, only after this morning, i do believe it to be incomplete.

until today, my understanding has presumptuously acknowledged only the first part of the verse: that yes, God not only wants, but commands us to love our neighbor... only it seems that i have been completely disregarding the second half: that God wants, and commands us to love OURSELVES in the same way we love our neighbors.

i consider this to be a considerably pithy and decisive command, especially in a culture that favors conformity and cloning over creativity and individualism. a society that tells us if we are different in shape, belief, color, sex, race, we are not as seminal or meaningful as those at the top of the list: movie stars, action heros, football players.

God commands us not to fall into the trap of self hate. He desperately wants us to love ourselves for who we are, not for who society tells us to be...


and it is precisely WHO WE ARE that we deny when reading this verse the aforementioned way. we are so exclusively blinded with the command to love others, that we, by default, do not concider ourselves at all.


we become indifferent, separated, and aloof from the God-equation itself.


we glaze over the second part of this verse because it is easier for us to. for us, for us loved children of God, for us beautiful creatures created in God's own image, it becomes more manageable and simple and effortless to love others rather than ourselves because we understand that in this culture, this kingdom built of mirrors, it is takes less struggle to ignore your own reflection to see the beauty and need of anothers'. and through this, we accept, realize, and pursue the ease in avoiding loving ourselves.


LOVE

your
neighbor
as

YOURSELF.


because until we love and accept ourselves and take comfort in our only identity as beloved children of God, we will never trully affect and love the others as we are commanded to.


Sunday, January 09, 2005

Too much?

how much is too much to ask?







...







who are you asking?

Saturday, January 08, 2005

Frustrations...

why is it that i worry over only the things i cannot change?



...



i think sometimes i forget the simple yet heavy words of Jesus in Matt6:34...




...




bobby mcferrin knew... why am i so dense?


my new daily mantra: i am not in control. i am not in control. i am not in control. all work and no play make jevy a dull boy. i am not in control. i am not in control. i am not in control...

Sunday, January 02, 2005

The END TIMES are upon us!

well, i never thought i would be alive for the Apocalypse but, here i am, and here we are. i was under the assumption that i could move through life smoothly and quietly relying only on my previously blogged about 8 t-shirts and single pair of jeans... unfortunatly, that seems to not actually be an appropriate presupposition, for i reciently discovered that i need a suit for my oral interviews conductucted by the fire department.

now, keep in mind that i choose my words carefully, and the use of the word 'need' was fully meditated and completely intentional, because TRUST ME, if there were any way to circumvent this, I WOULD! over the past week or so i have been trying to envisage an elaborate and labyrinthine stratagem wherein a suit would prove inessential and possibly even anti-productive... only it doesn't help that the fire chief himself told me 98% of applicants appear in freshly pressed suits... and the ones that don't... well, 'let's just say we look at them a bit differently, that's all,' he said...



great.


plus, i'm pretty sure i read something about John needing a suit to prepare for the end times...

Revelation chapter 3 i think...


...


NO! no, no, no, that's stupid. i think, actually one of the four horsemen had to buy one 'cuz he was interviewing for some job at microsoft or something...



...




the mere thought of a suit makes me sweat...



Thursday, December 30, 2004

Fashion...

i've never concidered myself particularly style-conscious. in fact, the only vogue part of my closet is a pair of slacks my friend k.c. bought for me for my birthday... and i don't really get much of chance to wear them anyway 'cuz they're too nice and all i would do is get dirt or motor oil on 'em anyway...

usually i stick to a t-shirt (i own 4 white and 4 blue pairs) and jeans (i own one pair) and my previously blogged about five dollar thrift-store shoes i found at good will... unfortunately what see as simplicity, others see as passé and antiquated, and for that i am chastized.

yes! i wear white socks with my leather dress shoes. yes! i wear my shirts until they are shredded, yes! i wear the same jeans everyday. yes! collared shirts make me feel like the life is being choked out of me... SORRY! i can, on the other hand, fit all of my clothing into one large tupperware container and pack the back of my suburu wagon with everything i own, even my bed, all with room to spare... and i know plenty of girls that find that to be very attractive... at least, that's what i tell myself.

anyway, i digress. the point of all this raving was to let those who have been and still are concerned with my chic-ness know that you can finally stop worrying... i found out this morning that i am, in fact, very style-minded and dapper.

...



my shirt, and socks, AND boxer-briefs all were color-matched today...



...



jev 1 - calvin klein 0


Wednesday, December 29, 2004

Yeah!

i did two things today that i have never done before! first, i made a turkey sandwich that was bread deficient... needless to say, i almost lost a pinky due to my over-zealous appitite and i would not recommend trying it yourself... it's messy, barbaric, and uncouth... plus, biting into a fingernail hurts like no tomorrow...

and second, i sold my first print!!! well, i guess i technically didn't sell it per se... but the guy i gave it to said he would have paid for it if i hadn't given it to him first...


so it's almost like a sold it...


BUT! he said that he wanted a couple more, and he would pay for those! so that's just as good!


does this mean i'm a real artist now? i mean, i guess... right? technically i do (will) sell my photos, so, i guess hypothetically i could be deemed a 'professional...' right?

this is like the time i checked out at the elite 'professional' check-out line at home depot 'cuz i was with my buddy matt, who IS a professional... you know what check-out i'm talkin' about, the one that just sits at the far end of the store, mocking me, taunting and teasing me with it's promise of a short line and no old people buying dozens of rolls of masking tape for who knows what and fumbling with thier check book for what seems to be hours trying to figure out what the date is, and what the amount is, and what time it is, even though that particular piece of information was completely extraneous and irrelevent... ALL I WANTED WAS A SIMPLE HOUSE PLANT!!! GEEZ!

...

*ahem*




yes... yes... i have finally arrived... jee-ackpot.

Tuesday, December 28, 2004

Opportunities...

i had the opportunity to do something today that i haven't done in a while... i watched the sun set. only, i didn't simply watch the sun set...


it was if i underwent the sun setting.


i didn't just look at the sun drop below the mountains... it was more than that. i was present in the sunset in a way i don't know if i can describe. i was present the way a mother is, just after the birth of her child and she finally sees thier tiny, pink face for the first time. i was present in the way a certain piece of music runs chills down your back, for who knows why?


i was present in today's sunset as if i were today's sunset...


i feel like this makes no sense... but... i guess that's part of the frustrating charm of being human.

Sunday, December 26, 2004

Question...

is anybody else sick of 'that guy?' i swear, no matter where i go, or where i move, or whom i am with, he always manages to show up. i don't understand. how does he know where i am ALL of the time? doesn't he have a job? is someone paying him to piss me off? the worst part is that you always know he's gonna show up, you just don't know when...

one day he decides it would be prudent to pull out in front of you, nearly causing you to careen into the ditch on the side of the road effectively ending the life which he obviously deemed unworthy of existence. another day he thinks it would be wise to sit through two cycles of green arrows because he is too busy searching the passenger side floor for the new 'oprah book of the month club' novel he picked up from borders.

i should give him some credit though... not only can he stymie me in his car (which tends to be a decrepit, ratty camero), but he manages to do it in myriads of public places as well. he's right there behind me at whole foods with his girlfriend (who, by-the-way, is much too pretty and intellegent to be with him) just waiting and yearning to use the word 'guesstimate,' while trying to figure out how many seedless grapes he is anticipating to purchase. wait! now he is in line in front of me at chipotle, he wants to order a chicken burrito... with half pinto and half black beans... and double chicken... wait! no, sorry, how much is double chicken? wow... uh, yeah how about just the regular amount of chicken then... oh, you put it on already? well, can you just make me a new one then? so yeah, regular chicken, but i still want half and half beans... SHUT THE HELL UP!

why would someone do this to me? i, i don't think i have any enemies... i mean, there was doctor francis wellington, my arch-nemesis... but i defeated him years ago... our flagrant hostilities came to head 4 years ago at the edge of mokpo peer on the southern tip of south korea (that, of course, is another story in and of itself.)

reguardless, whoever 'that guy' is, whether friend or foe, he obviously has it in for me...


so a caveat to the rest of you... keep your eyes open and watch your back... 'that guy' is always looking for new catch in new waters... in fact, i wouldn't be suprised of he already has sighted in on some of you...

i just want him to leave me alone...



'cuz i'm either gonna end up dead, or with a severe ulcer...


Saturday, December 25, 2004

Hmph...

so i checked under the fake tree this morning to see if santa got my letter and came through for me in the clutch... needless to say, i found no gold bouillon... hmmm.




there was, albeit, 20 packages of maruchan ramen... sans the crisp noodles...

and bright color-coded wrappers...




i'm gonna fire that stenographer.

First Christmas...

i just experienced my first christmas away from 'home.' even during college i would make the inevitably grueling trip back to minnesota every christmas-time via kia... or friend's company car... ya know, whatever we could find.

i spent it two ways: cooking soup and cleaning dishes at the shelter where i work, and reading c.s. lewis...





it was everything i thought it could be and more.




Friday, December 24, 2004

Joe Christmas meets Jack Squat...

i worked on my novel today. it's the piece of writing i ironically refer to as 'the next great american novel.' of course, as i just alluded to, the title is rather misleading considering it is neither 'great' nor a 'novel'...

it is, on the other hand, appropriately designated in some ways... it is, i suppose, 'the next,' and technically it is 'american,' as well, so it's not a complete misnomer, but the other stuff... yeah, not so much.

it's pretty purgatorial in it's paltry mediocrity, so 'great' obviously must be stricken from the record, and it's only about a half-a-page long as is... and i don't think that constitutes the page-mass a novel deserves... so really, it's 'the next mediocre american novella/short story.' plus, the only thing in it so far is the narrator talking about how much he likes the automatic car-wash and how fat his blind date thinks she is even though she's the width of an emaciated and malnourished toothbrush...


hmm.


it does have a nice ring to it though... i think if people actually pronounce out-loud the 'slash' onomatopoeia between 'novella' and 'short story,' it could really sell...



yeah.




big time.



Wednesday, December 22, 2004

I just don't think i'll ever get over you

i drink good coffee every morning
'comes from a place that's far away
when i'm done i feel like talking
'thout you here, there is less to say

don't want you thinking i'm unhappy
what is closer to the truth
that if i lived till i was a hundred and two
i just don't think i'll ever get over you

no longer moved to drink strong wiskey
i shook the hand of time and i knew
that if i lived 'till i could no longer climb my stairs
i just don't think i'll ever get over you

a face that dances and it haunts me
laugher still ringin' in my ears
i still find pieces of your presence here
even, even after all these years

i don't want you thinking that i don't get asked to dinner
'cuz i here to say that i sometimes do
even though i may soon feel the touch of love
i just don't think i'll ever get over you

if i live 'till i was a hundred and two
i just don't think i'll ever get over you

-Colin Hay, from a song entitled 'I just don't think i'll ever get over you.'

i have been single for over a year now. it had been about 423 days since my girlfriend decided she didn't want me. most of the hurt my heart once knew it has either forgotten... or ignored out of neccessity. the nagging echo of the soft skin on her stomach that once buzzed incessantly in the memory of my finger-tips and the wearing reverberation of the scent of her neck in my nostrils are finally silenced... for the most part. yet i still cannot remove her completely from the seat she once occupied in my heart and my life. it is as if we drank of one another until our fill and-then-some... and as we became drunken in ourselves, flame spilled over the brims of our glasses onto the white washed walls and ground of my heart, spotting it, and staining it forever a tinge of her. i have tried catharsis. i have tried desperately to cleanse and purge and purify my palate of the taste is was dependent upon... even addicted to... but i cannot. i am afraid that there will eternally be a ghost of a once loved woman inhabiting the recesses of my soul, haunting me, reminding me incessantly of the stigma she has left behind.


or, what i like to think will happen, is that when i finally meet HER, i won't even remember why i wrote this in the first place.


so colin hay, i hope you're wrong, man.

Thursday, December 16, 2004

Ice

sometimes i just feel like melting.
the heat from the flame gets to me.
every now and again i think it would be easier to

drip
from
my
bones
and collect in a puddle on my carpet.

i could finally let go...

the world could seethe my weary flesh and i would concede myself to judgment.





slowly





roasting





on the skewer of the image if the man i am supposed to be, i would placidly sojourn.


i wouldn't be full... but i would at least be subdued; comatose from the opiate of supreme apathy... happy to be unhappily numb.

Monday, December 13, 2004

I like b&w.

i've been experimenting with black and white lately... i think some of 'em turned out pretty cool...











Saturday, December 11, 2004

Argh...

just recently, a friend of mine and i spoke about the sad current state of affairs of christianity, especially christian book stores. what is it we find when we visit the friendly local christian book store? we find items like this...




is this what God wants us to spend our money on? huh? this and food for the poor? this and bibles? what? at first i was ammused by this little piece of iced-out bling. but the more i think about the poignant irony of this feckless and vain object, the more pained and perturbed i become.

gah! i feel like i'm on crazy pills! are mark (http://markisawesome.blogspot.com/) and i the only ones who see the incongruity at work here? the fact that this is even on sale in a 'christian' bookstore is absurd! it's as ludicrous as if the president of p.e.t.a. were to decree that every sign hence-forth declairing the sanctity and basic rights of animals were to no longer written in ink, but instead in kitten and puppy blood. people! think of the kittens and puppies!

christians! c'mon! sheesh... there's nothin' that gets me more peppery than christian's idiocy sometimes...

Friday, December 10, 2004

Life from brokenness.

when i was a child, my neighboors housed a hulking tree in thier back yard that i used to climb after school. i named it frank. frank because that was the name of the biggest kid in my class. i used to peer at the back of his huge, bulbous head during story time and wonder whether he had two regular size brains or one large one. i never came to a stark conclusion. this tree was as mammoth in a vertical way as frank's head was mammoth in a gravitational pull way.

one evening, the tree was struck with lightening, and toppled downward to a ground i'm sure its branches hasn't felt for decades. frank, my favorite tree, was not in good shape.

i saw frank many years later. the trunk was badly split and bent, but the growth of recent years was sturdy and straight. bark had grown over much of the once-exposed heartwood, leaving the trunk misshapen but well protected. how is it, i wondered, that a tree could grow to strength and maturity around such a crippling injury?

i knew a kid born in the inner city. his self concept was badly scarred from parental neglect, racism, crappy teachers, and years of failure. his values were deformed by the survival ethic of the street and by the hurt that had become a burning core of anger... I saw new growth form a protective layer over his open wounds and broken deams. a strong new character developed, marked with unique sensitivities and perceptions. how is it, i wondered, that a kid can grow up to strength and maturity around such deforming childhood experiences?

i once new a christian in the mission field whos life was marred by sin and whose character was bent toward deceitfulness. he struggled with rebellion against authority. his need for glorifying the self intertwined with his earnest efforts to serve. he was plagued with insecurities. spiritual and emotional growth, as well as years of socialization, largely concealed his kinks and twists at his core. yet he was still a potent healer of others. how is it, i wondered, that God could use him?

i have seen God take the broken, deformed things of this world, bless them with new life and sanctify them for his special purpose. from a broken tree, God provides shade in the summer. from a deeply scarred kid, God forms a young man of unusual compassion and understanding, a model of hope to the disheartened inner city. from the twisted personality of a misled missionary, God shapes a healer of emotional pain and uses a rebellios nature for creative purposes. from young-punk, nerd-to-the-bone, checkered past, broken vessel 24 year old who writes blogs no one reads in his spare time, God creates a man who, even though it's not much, still tries his best to make this world a Christ-centered, loving one.

i am reassured to know that the straightness of my grain is not a precondition of usefulness to God. and i am humbled to see that out of the twistedness of my wounds, he designs for me a special purpose and place of service.

remember, and take courage, for it is through our brokenness, not our fixedness, that God chooses to work.

Thursday, December 09, 2004

What geographic location is it exactly in which gnomes are concidered frightening?

uh, even at the risk of sounding like 'that guy,' i still gotta say that no matter how much i suspend my disbelief and no matter how tightly i reign my 'book-by-its-cover ' judgement, no matter how much i don't want to...

i'm still questioning the exceptionality of this one...




notice the cover alludes to this particular flick as being 'one sexy horrific ride.'

i'm sorry, i...

i guess uh...

i guess i'm the stupid one really.

i was under the assumption that gnomes were sweet, lawn-born, well-meaning beings who cared only for the salubrity of both gnomanity and humanity along with the advancement of pixi-dust laced cheer and altruistism. apparently i was totally incorrect, i guess gnomes are neither peaceful nor loving...

no, i guess it was obvious to everyone but me that instead they are sexy...

and horrific.

anyway, i had to rent it. it was... it was uh... it uh... *insert head scratch* it was okay... it uh, it had its moments...

yeah, i'm sorry, i'm really trying, but i just can't say anything good about it. unless, of course, i said it was awesome at... uh... ya know, being really, really not very good... yeah, let's just uh... let's just say that.

Age...




"youth is the gift of nature, but age is a work of art."
- stanislaw jerzy lec

i found this fella in new orleans. i'm sure he was on his way to a meet his lady for dinner.

Tuesday, December 07, 2004

Does this make me a masochist?

i felt like beating the crap out of my body today. i biked around the garden about 4 times. all the way pumping my gears as if the devil himself were breathing fire down my neck. by the time i was finished my eyes bled salt, my nose was a faucet, and my lungs burned feverishly. it felt good. i dunno what it was, it was like my body was just begging to get worked to its full potential... so it did. man, i'm gunna be sore tomorrow.

Monday, December 06, 2004

Frosty the Poet...

why is it that robert frost never warned us that taking the road less traveled greatly increases the odds of spraining our ankles? maybe he thought that if he did, no one would want to tread the unknown...

maybe.

i think it's 'cuz he wanted us to find out for ourselves that it is only while icing our foot that we can see a landscape that is worth ten-fold the pain. he knew if we hadn't first fallen flat on our face, we would have completely missed the true beauty of the path.

Saturday, December 04, 2004

Mmmm, nice...

man, it was nice here today! 50's and not a cloud in the sky. i road my bike around the garden today for about 2 hours... until my tire popped, and i had to walk home 3 miles... but other than that, today was beautiful. i think if i had a girl, i would take her out tonight. we'd get all dressed up, i'd put on the one pair of dress slacks i own, and she would put on her favorite dress (girls seem to not like dresses anymore, but i like 'em.) we'd go somewhere fancy, eat 'till we've had our fill... then, of course, we would order desert. something with a lot of chocolate in it.

after dinner, she'd put on the blindfold i had in my car, 'cuz where we were going was a suprise. we'd drive down near buena vista, and i'd find my secret road that takes us to the back side of mt. harvard, only, i probably would pass it at first 'cuz it's dark out. i'd help her out of the car and she would jump on my shoulders and i'd piggy-back her (she'd be barefoot, she says she just likes it better that way) to a campsite a quarter mile away, just far enough off the trail where you can see anyone who happened on the path, but they can't see you. she'd take her blindfold off just in time to see the moon rise over the top of harvard's jagged peak. she'd turn to me, smiling, eyes wide, and kiss me on the cheek. she'd watch the shadows formed by clouds play off the dark and steep crag miles in front of us, and i'd watch the shadows formed by the leafless aspens play off her soft and gentle face. we wouldn't talk. we wouldn't have to. we would simply be happy knowing we were near one another, and that God made this night for us to enjoy, together.

she'd fall asleep on the drive back home, head sweetly pitched toward my shoulder. the blend of the slow hum of my car along with rich melodies of sigur ros tames even the most savage of sweet girls. with every bump we hit on the way home her hair slides and settles over her face a little more. she told me when she was a kid she used to chew on her hair in her sleep, 'it was just an unconcious tick i guess,' she would say. just to be safe i would brush her hair back to where her mouth could no longer unconsiously nibble. and as i pulled my hand away my finger tips would sweep across her soft cheek, and i would wonder to myself if her lips were also as delicate.

i would then remember that 'i have promises to keep, and miles to go before i sleep, and miles to go before i sleep.' i would rub my tired eyes and gently laugh at myself for quoting robert frost in my inner dialogue that no one but myself could hear anyway. i would sit up in my seat, start the cd over again, and prepare the for the long journey home; all the way being warmed and comforted by her sincere beauty as she peacefully dreamt next to me.

yeah. yeah, i think that's what i would do tonight.

gentlemen, a word to the wise, she is your best piece of poetry, treat her as such.

Friday, December 03, 2004

I don't care what people think...

i don't care what the check-out lady at target thinks, i like my spidy wallet. she can just... shut up... that's what she can do.

I Am Thankful...

i am thankful that god speaks to me, even if i am not listening. i am thankful for all my wonderful friends. i am thankful for my health. i am thankful for my computer. i am thankful for the t-house. i am thankful for the merciful. i am thankful for my parents, and how generous they are with their money. i am thankful for music. i am thankful for cute babies. i am thankful for beautiful women. i am thankful for my wonderful wife... who i haven’t met yet. i am thankful for my car, ruby, and also for how reliable she is. i am thankful for the pure in heart. i am thankful for pikes peak community college. i am thankful for adam sperling. i am thankful for renae sperling. i am thankful for jeff finn. i am thankful for matt redder. i am thankful for kc gillette. i am thankful for stacie gillette. i am thankful for steve redder. i am thankful for amy feuerhaken. i am thankful for my monetary blessings. i am thankful for my comfortable room. i am thankful for where the earth meets the water, and the water meets the sky. i am thankful for mark heffentager. i am thankful for jen heffentrager. i am thankful for joy teten. i am thankful for youthworks. i am thankful for mark talcott. i am thankful for john potts. i am thankful for jon gerlach. i am thankful for jon lockhorst. i am thankful for mark haase. i am thankful for jon green and erin green. i am thankful for colorado college. i am thankful for those who mourn. i am thankful for dave hansher. i am thankful for dave weddle. i am thankful for sam williams. i am thankful for alex chu. i am thankful for lasse jarvi. i am thankful for travis lang. i am thankful for trisha klempf. i am thankful for meredith albright. i am thankful for onu ocholi. i am thankful for wayne. i am thankful for cactus. i am thankful for todd. i am thankful for my brain. i am thankful for the glen. i am thankful for eagle lake. i am thankful for lynn engle. i am thankful for scott oleberg. im and thankful for nick benesch. i am thankful for the meek. i am thankful for jason sasse. i am thankful for the poor. i am thankful for nature. i am thankful for the mountains. i am thankful for america. i am thankful for colorado. i am thankful for crystal clear mountain steams. i am thankful for warm showers. i am thankful for water pressure. i am thankful for the smell of a woman. i am thankful for black and white pictures of old people. i am thankful for my opposable thumbs. i am thankful for those who are poor in spirit. i am thankful for my heating blanket. i am thankful for my bed. i am thankful for my grandfathers watch. i am thankful for the blue sky. i am thankful for the green grass. i am thankful for gods love. i am thankful for gods mercy. i am thankful for gods presence. i am thankful for gods grace. i am thankful that jesus died in my place. i am thankful that i live close to spaulding. i am thankful for cool autumn breezes. i am thankful for the crunch of leaves beneath my feet. i am thankful for those who hunger and thirst for righteousness. i am thankful for my bicycle. i am thankful for jeff bierd. i am thankful for my body. i am thankful for my sight. i am thankful for my senses. i am thankful for my moonman. i am thankful for my fat, stubby, man-hands. i am thankful for my guitar. i am thankful for the winter. i am thankful for my nostrils freezing together in subzero temps. i am thankful for will and shawna kosel. i am thankful for pierced chapel. i am thankful i can eat fresh snow. i am thankful for the good will. i am thankful for dan sievers. i am thankful for jonah fields. i am thankful for matt stern. i am thankful for ryan peterson. i am thankful for royee vlodover. i am thankful for chocolate. i am thankful for ice cream. i am thankful for bananas. i am thankful for fresh strawberries. i am thankful for hugs. i am thankful for kisses on the neck. i am thankful for the bad times. i am thankful for jeremy hands. i am thankful for chamile williams. i am thankful for josh webb. i am thankful for ian howells. i am thankful for scott lampkin. i am thankful for my brother. i am thankful for movies. i am thankful for sleep. i am thankful for warmth. i am thankful for opportunities. i am thankful for the word. i am thankful for books. i am thankful for the peacemakers. i am thankful for silence. i am thankful for solitude. i am thankful for social experiences. i am thankful for slackerflacker, and all my new blogger buddies. i am thankful for crying. i am thankful for sports. i am thankful for monday night football. i am thankful for nate raulie. i am thankful for light. i am thankful for salt. i am thankful for cheese. i am thankful for minnesota. i am thankful for meat. i am thankful for fun. i ma thankful for those persecuted because of righteousness. i am thankful for God, Jesus, and the Holy Spirit.

Hustle, Bustle...



"There is a point where in the mystery of existence contradictions meet; where movement is not all movement and stillness is not all stillness; where the idea and the form, the within and the without, are united; where infinite becomes finite, yet not." - rabindranath tagore

Too Bad...

no one uses the term 'spaz' anymore to insult people... why not? that was one of most awesome insults ever. and what about 'syke'? man, what happened to 'syke'? that too was awesome. i tell ya what, there was nothing like a well placed 'siii-eeeek' to really drill someone. man, i gotta try to bring those back... big time.

Thursday, December 02, 2004

On Love...

do you love her? or do you love the image of her? or do you love the idea of who you want her to be? or do you simply love not being alone?

and why is it, like chicken, that they all seem to taste the same?

Wednesday, December 01, 2004

Carelessness And Godliness.

as of late, the distinguishing line between following God's will without care for self and carelessness has all but been totally erased. i have heard it said, even out of my oun mouth that 'i trust in God, but i still lock my door. i trust that God will protect me and help me in my best intrest, but a complete lack of self preservation is just reckless.' is it? did Jesus possess even an ounce of self provision? did he not walk willingly into death? did he not give himself for us? is not the idea of putting oneself directly into the midst of danger concidered ludicrous? but why? why is it that going on summer mission trips, or volunteering at the salvation army, or buying a meal for a homeless man an acceptable 'care,' but putting yourself in the line-of-fire in a gang war that has spilled over into your neighborhood, or leaving the keys in your running car in a poor neighborhood, or opening your home to the homeless knowing that you might be missing a few items in the morning is concidered an unacceptable 'carelessness?'

what of the rich ruler? Jesus called him to sell every single thing he owned and then follow him. luke tells us that he became sad at Jesus' teaching because he 'was very rich.' think about this... Jesus wanted this guy to sell everything, his clothes, his two 60' plasma/hi def tv's, his $300 suits, all his silverware, his bed, complete with down comforter, his new bmw m3, his summer home on martha's vinyard, his original picasso sketch he keeps in the master bedroom, and his 2.3 million dollar mansion he inherited from his father... everything.

if i asked you to sell every piece of material, property, capital, and investment you have ever owned and hand it directly to the first impoverished soul you met on the street, you would probably laugh at me and call me an impractical, irrational, irresponsible, lunatic.

what if God asked of you the same thing? what is it you would call him?