Christmas Again...

"christmas again. damn!" his words are barely audible but his wife knows his feelings as well. she sees the hurt come into his eyes when the kids come home from school talking about what they want for christmas. it is the same expression she sees on the faces of other unemployed fathers around the housing project.

she knows this year will be no different from the last. all her husband's hustle, his day-labor jobs, his pickup work will not be enough to put presents under thier gaunt tree. they will do well to keep the heat on. his confident, promising deceptions allow the children the luxury of their dreams a while longer. she will cover for him again because she knows he is a good man. his lies are his wishes, his flawed attempts to let his children know what the older ones already do know but never admit: the gifts are not from daddy.

he will not go with her to stand in the 'free toy' lines with all the others. he cannot bring himself to do it. it's too stark a reminder of his own impotence. and if thier home again is blessed this year with a visit from a christain family bearing food and beautifully wrapped presents for the kids, he will stay in the bedroom until they are gone. he will leave the smiling and graciousness to his wife. his joy for the children will be genuine... but so is the heavy ache in his stomach as his image of himself as a provider is dealt another painful blow.

christmas. that wonderful, awful time when giving hearts glow warm and bright while the fading embers of a poor man's pride are doused black.

with the christmas season finally in full swing, remember what christmas is.