Afternoon thought...

why is it that i have no problem giving and exhibiting love to my peers, friends, and family, only when it is my turn to accept it back in return, i cannot? have i deemed myself un-lovable? do i see myself as undeserving? do i not like being charity (even though that isn't what it is)? and why is this true especially with God? i would like nothing more than to have a reciprocal love relationship with God, only when it is my turn to acquiesce His favor, grace, and love, i cannot. why does this paradox hold so much truth when it seems to be the inverse of what the Gospels preach? what is it that i am missing?